Sad

There is a sadness that has settled really deep in me this week. I don’t know what else to say except I am sad. It’s time to decide what the next step is for my dad as he’s finishing up all of his occupational and physical rehab. Senior care is so expensive and so complicated. And we have looked into home health and assisted living and independent living, there has been lots of ideas thrown around, even him coming to live at my house. And I just keep saying I want hime happy, I want what’s best for him and I really do. So after talking to different places and the facility that he’s in now it’s been decided that he will more then likely need what they called skilled care, what most people know as a nursing home. I know he needs lots of care, he’s a very sick, and he’s ok with a nursing home because the place where he is now has a residential wing and he just wants to stay there and he’s happy with that and I’m happy that he’s ok and that he seems happy about that.
But think about this if you have kids, think of sending your kids off to college, when my dad sent me off to college he cried, when you send them off its like a stepping stone into the world and more then likely they won’t come home to live again after, it’s like that. I sent my dad off to the hospital and it’s been a journey and now he’s going to live somewhere else and he won’t ever come back home again. But my dad isn’t just going off into the world. When my dad moved into the rehab he’s at now he made the comment that the permanent residents where there just waiting to die. And now he’s going to join them. I’m heart broken. I know it isn’t like that, they have activities and I will still go see him every day and he may get to the point that he can go out places, I’ve already started looking into buying a wheel chair accessible van but he will never come home to live. He needs to much care. And I want io be selfish and I want to stomp my foot and demand 20, no 30 more years with him!!! He’s 65!! I’m only 35, I need him!!! My life has not had constants, a lot of what I have had as far as relationships have been come and go or conditional or just short lived for whatever reason but my one constant, my rock, my light when things turn dark has been my dad, this man is amazing and has taught me what unconditional love, selflessness, sacrifice and family is all about. He taught me respect and how to stand up for what I believe and what to expect from a man who loves you. He’s an amazing father, an amazing man. And I know the choice to move him into a nursing home is what’s best for him and even probably for me so I don’t worry myself to death about him. But this week and tonight all I can think of is my daddy stuck in a place I put him waiting to die. So tonight like last night I’m going to lay in bed and cry and watch Wicked Tuna because that’s what we watch together when I visit him and we talk about the day we will have a fishing boat when he’s better and I’m eventually going to come to grips with this and move past it knowing it’s the right thing. But for now I’m just going to be sad.

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